Becoming a single mother of two boys under two years old at 20 years old isn’t exactly theAmerican Dream. Working 50 – 60+ hours a week and sometimes two jobs and often 7 days a week for months on end leaves plenty of room for resentment to fester. When the hell am I going to get a moment to raise my own kids!? I remember often thinking such things as I would drop them off at a day care or school. It seemed that I rarely had the opportunity to spend time with them and when I did I wasn’t exactly at my best. I’m not a morning person, but I can get them ready on zombie mode. And after a long day at work I wasn’t really good mommy material either. I began daydreaming of an alternate life where I could stay home and really dedicate my efforts to my children and family. It’s not as though I would make as much money as a man anyway!
Recently (within the last three months) I have had the opportunity to live life as a ‘stay at home mom‘ and I’m discovering, just like anything else, there are both pros and cons to my circumstance. I don’t know whether to be pissed off at the feminist movement or at the lack of progress, but some days this gig just plain stinks.
On the bright side both of my children are excelling both in academics and extra curricular areas of they’re growth. We’re in a prime location with everything we need. I have been able to teach them basis skills they’ll need when they move out like folding laundry and doing dishes. I may not get what they’re going on about always (I’m not so good at following video game conversations) but I’d say we’re closer to understanding each other that we have been before. It’s nice to have the time to do the extra things when cleaning like wash the base boards and vacuum the air vents. It makes living more comfortable.
Then again, cleaning the base boards doesn’t pay me and no one else seems to think that it’s a valuable contribution to their lives. Plus I’m bored. Folding laundry, shopping, cooking, cleaning, and driving everyone around isn’t exactly exhilarating. I hardly get a second to really focus on just me and when I finally do I’m exhausted. If I want to earn some extra money I have to pile more on my plate and I have more than enough to handle already. It’s like a trap of guilt. If you don’t work you’re a bad mom for not contributing financially to the family and if you do work you get robbed of those moments of exploration and understanding you should be guiding them through. What’s a girl to do?
Keep writing I suppose.
SweetMaryKane 